Children and teenagers with low self esteem will display a variety of traits, including:

• Being easily influenced by advertising or others.
• Avoiding new challenges for fear of failure.
• Becoming frustrated easily by setbacks.
• Blaming others when activities are unsuccessful.
• Disbelieving that (s)he has any talents or special abilities.
• Feeling unloved.

Promoting self esteem among children and teenagers is an incredibly important, and very easy, habit for parents to fall into. Staying positive and being generous with praise are two of the most important steps any adult can take to help promote a youngster’s self esteem.

• Be loving with your child, giving hugs and kisses regardless of achievements.
• Help your child set realistic, attainable goals.
• Praise your child for the effort, not for the outcome.
• Avoid criticising your child’s performance at a given task, and instead praise his/her enthusiasm or imagination.
• Encourage your child to engage in activities due to interest, not ability.
• Do not tolerate self criticism from your child. Help him/her focus on positive points.
• Lead by example. Do not criticise yourself in front of your children.
• Foster a caring environment at home by dispelling sibling rivalry.

While many children develop self esteem as they grow, for some children self esteem must be nurtured and tended. Parents are at the front line of promoting children’s self esteem, and while often their opinion is enough to make even the littlest chest swell with pride, some children may require more intense therapy. If needed, finding a family or child counsellor in your area may be the difference between a happy, healthy child and a depressed, downtrodden child. If you are worried about your child’s self esteem then don’t delay, begin your journey to a better life today!

Giving a youngster the best possible start in life is such an important thing that I feel that it is a very worthwhile topic. It will be especially pertinent to those who have had confidence and self-esteem issues themselves and would, no doubt, be determined to avoid that being a part of their loved ones lives too.

Children of all ages require self esteem to feel good about themselves, their world, and the contributions they can make to it. In order to achieve a goal, children must believe that they have the talents to realise their ambitions. More important than achievement, self esteem is also crucial to children’s happiness. Only when they are comfortable with themselves and believe that their abilities have worth will children truly feel fulfilled.

Unfortunately, self esteem can often be in short supply throughout childhood and the teenage years. At some time, nearly every child or teen will suffer from low self esteem. While this is normally a transitory experience, low self esteem can also be a plague that feels like it will never go away. Promoting self esteem among children and teens is thus of the utmost importance to ensure that they will feel talented, happy and loved.

My next post will expand on these important issues…

In what I’ve heard described as ‘de-layering’, ‘rationalisation’ and ‘shake-out; he volunteered to take a redundancy payment. He didn’t have to leave – he chose to. The reason was to fulfil a long held ambition; to set up on his own to share his skills, advising owner managers on the running of their businesses. He was drawn to the role of Non-Executive Director. However, when he approached some of the agencies, he got something of a shock.

They told him that because of his multinational background, he would find it difficult getting NED roles with smaller companies. His experience was not transferable. In the end he called on his marketing background and identified the benefits he could bring to the smaller businesses, having had such a varied career. He knew what ideas and processes he could transfer effectively and knew the ones that he couldn’t. He wasn’t going to suggest otherwise. This approach worked and he took on the kind of NED roles he’d been looking for.

This contrasts somewhat with another person I met recently. He also had a multinational company background and left to set up business manufacturing bespoke office furniture with a staff of 20. He called me in to help with team development. In the course of one of our early conversations, he expressed disappointment with one particular member of staff, who had problems with their time-keeping. I listened, whilst he explained the issues; the frequency of the lateness, how he responded and how the employee ‘retaliated’. After a while I asked the question, “What do you want?” There was a silence, which I let him eventually fill. His answer quite surprised me. “I want him to show me respect as a Company Director.”

You see this client had come from a company where the employee lift stopped short of the ‘Directors’ floor’ (unless you had the key). They had a very directive management style. Everyone had their place. Then suddenly he found himself running a team of 20 and blindly expecting to transplant the culture of the multinational and have it take root, without any problems.

Over the following weeks we worked together on a plan involving him in identifying what had worked in the past and to what extent it would work in the new environment. Not only did we work on a plan, my client put it into action. He even decided to re-paint his ‘Director’ car parking space and designate it as one for ‘Visitors’. Given further support, he was able to dismiss the ‘outward signs of inward success’ ethos and refocus his priorities.

I know it’s a maxim I’ve talked about before, but repeat here once again. Success in business is down to 70% people and 30% process. Not the other way around. Management energy and focus should be in the same proportions.

Under the ‘what you will learn’ section they had, amongst other things, the following items listed:

You will learn

• How to evaluate workplace relationships for maximum productivity
• How to lead with integrity and earn the respect of your co-workers while getting the job done
• How to influence the most persuasive person in your organisation
• How to align a team towards a common direction
• How to motivate the unmotivated
• The 5 steps that successful leaders use to develop other people
• How to achieve results through relationships

All very important competences of course. However, the title of the workshop was ‘The Leader within You’ and irrespective of the title, from surveying the rest of the material, it quite plainly focused on the fact that this was new learning.

Open any sales manual and you’ll come across references to the importance of ‘building rapport’ with prospects and clients. Dictionaries refer to this as ‘sympathising or being in tune with the other person’. The manuals often suggest that this involves new learning for the sales person, in much the same way as it did on the leadership workshop. It can also be seen to have a direct correlation to the level of self-confidence that the sales person possesses.

I remember taking a cold call from a salesman last year. “Hello John, how are you today, did you have a good weekend?” His manual had told him to build rapport early on, before proceeding with his presentation. I didn’t know him and quite frankly took exception to a complete stranger being so familiar and patronising. I cut the call short.

What happens when you walk into a room full of strangers? Unless you are intending to spend the rest of the evening alone, sooner or later you’ll gravitate to a particular individual (or group of individuals). To the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’ it may well look as if you’ve known each other for years, since you are getting on so well.

From the neuro linguistic (NLP) point of view you’d be demonstrating rapport with the other person by matching or mirroring their gestures or postures and even matching their rate of breathing. How do you do that? Well, unless you’ve studied and applied some of these techniques intentionally, you will be quite unaware that you are doing it.

As human beings we have a natural ability to build rapport. I appreciate there are tools and techniques for analysing this and building on it so that we can do it more effectively. I use them with my own clients. Never-the less by working with what’s there, by just being yourself and trusting yourself and being genuinely interested in the other person, you’ll build rapport without being patronising.

At the low end, where you feel depressed, worthless; everything is difficult or too much trouble; the world looks as if it’s closing in on you and is full of people who ignore, abuse or bully you – and you are powerless to do anything about it.

At the high end, you feel elated; life is full of pleasure and opportunity; people respond positively to you; you have that power to make a difference and you feel really good about yourself.

As we go through life, we’re generally hovering towards the high end, until that “something” happens to upset our equilibrium. We lose our job, fall ill, cease a relationship or lose someone close to us, for example; all these things can drag us towards the low end of the continuum and deplete our self worth.

So after a set-back, how can we get back on track and give our self belief a boost?

So when your self belief takes a knock and your inner voice wants you to concentrate on how bad things are (and how much worse they’re going to be – everything happens in threes etc) just mentally say “thanks, but I’m going to look at things this way”. Then capitalise on one factor. That factor is that the human brain can’t distinguish between “fact and fiction”. So if you can fool it into accepting something that you can visualise in your minds eye (fiction) as already happening (fact), you can use this to help you to move towards the high end of the self belief continuum.

Try it. I’d be interested to hear what a difference it’s made

And I also have something brand new that can really help this process – click here to find out more…

I don’t think so.

Of course you need to be able to stand back from time to time, be honest with yourself about your success criteria then change course if you need to. I call it plan-do-review.

I know it’s been said so often that business owners and CEOs get so immersed in the business, they have little time to work on it. They can also lose sight of what it’s about. It’s no good having a real passion for producing black widgets if the market has shifted and is now demanding red ones. You are in business to make money, not widgets!

I also think a major contributor to business confidence is being able to maintain equilibrium between:

• Sales and Marketing
• The internal processes of the business
• The readiness of the business to actively innovate and learn
• The financial requirements of the business

So what other factors contribute to success in business?

You need staying power and determination; but that doesn’t mean going on blindly! Another major factor is the willingness to take advice and act on it – research shows that those who do take advice (and act on it), enjoy more success than those who don’t.

And of course the more successful you are the more confident you become!

Within these pages are numerous tips and techniques for bringing about change and becoming more confident as a result. We can only make progress by giving up old habits in favour of the new ones; by changing old beliefs. It demands a different kind of persistence. The opposition we face here comes from within.

We can be our own worst enemy.

We become expert at finding ‘evidence’ to support our current beliefs and talking ourselves into keeping them. Conversations like “I knew that would happen,” “It’s always the same”. And worst of all, “I’m never any good at doing that kind of thing.” So we form a comfort zone that puts a limit on our abilities.

We need to choose consciously to set ourselves new beliefs and persist with ourselves in adopting them.

• Write down a belief you have that stops you performing at your best (“I can’t walk into a room full of strangers.”, for example).
• Write down the self-talk that goes with this belief (“I am hopeless at this.”).
• Describe the comfort zone this places you in (“Meeting strangers fills me with fear so I don’t include it in my list of skills.”).
• State the opposite of your limiting belief (“I look forward to walking into a room full of strangers and feel really positive about doing so.”).
• Write down the new and positive self-talk that goes with this belief (“Walking into a room full of strangers is something I feel confident about”).
• Describe the new and expanded comfort zone this places you in.
• What is it like having this new belief?
• Visualise yourself when you have this new belief (“I see myself walking into a room full of strangers, being welcomed and chatting confidently.”).
• As someone with this new found belief, take a walk and act as if you are living this new belief; become your new belief.

Now persist until your new belief becomes your ‘real belief’.

A person who is confident gives a firm handshake (palms pointing downwards in most cases).

Someone who is nervous, or shy gives a wilted handshake (palms pointing upwards in most cases).

1. Smile while shaking hands, but don’t smile for too long because it might give the perception that you’re gullible or not too smart.
2. Make eye contact for around 3 seconds while shaking hands.
3. If you’re sitting down, stand up to show respect when shaking hands. Remaining seated while shaking hands may give the impression that you’re not interested in the other party, and may offend them.
4. With sweaty hands, wipe out the sweat with a napkin or handkerchief before shaking hands.
5. Extend your arm outward to show them your enthusiasm and confidence.
6. Your palm should come in contact with their palm. This conveys openness and sincerity, and proves that you’re not hiding anything.
7. Shake hands firmly, but don’t give too much pressure.

To help you to identify and rehearse undeveloped ability and explore your potential and build self-confidence.

The Process:

Do you have a role model? If not, then think of someone. They may be celebrities, or fictional characters; they need not even be alive. However they must be someone who has characteristics that you admire or wish you had. What are these qualities that you wish you had?

1. Imagine how your role model might behave on a fundamental level, for example how might they walk, stand or sit down. Try and emulate them.

2. Once you have established how they move and sit, think of a phrase that they might say. Take on the persona of your hero and if you are alone talk to them in the mirror. If you have someone else with you then have a chat with them (retaining the persona of your role model). In both cases use the words and expressions that you role model would use and behave as if you were really them.

3. Now reflect back and consider a situation in the past that didn’t go too well for you. This can be from work, home or any social situation. What was it about it that you remember about the negativity of the outcome? Play out the scene in your head.

4. If the situation were to arise again, what would you like the outcome to be? Then re run the situation, only this time act it out as your role model. Pay particular attention to the perspective they would have on the situation. How would they feel? Let this stimulate your reaction.

5. How positive was the outcome this time? How did it feel and how did you deal with it as your role model? Enjoy the warm feeling of success.

6. You then need to ask yourself whether you were actually ‘acting’ as your role model or if you were uncovering some hidden attributes to your own personality. Strange as it may have felt, it could just be simply because you were not used to behaving in this way.

Try this again for other situations you’ve found ‘yourself’ in that had a less than positive outcome for you. With practice, by assuming the qualities of your role model that you’d like to have, in time they will become the qualities that ‘you’ really do have.

This application of silence is even more effective in the coaching situation (although I would argue that to be effective in a sales meeting, the prospect is indeed being ‘coached’ by the sales person) and I’d like to share my experience of the most effective use of silence that I’ve ever come across.

I don’t know about you but I used to get confused between coaching and mentoring. The best explanation I’ve seen is in ‘Techniques for Coaching and Mentoring’ by David Megginson & David Clutterbuck. One thing they suggest that coaching relates to performance improvement and the coach owns the process and mentoring relates to identifying and nurturing the potential of the whole person and the learner owns both the goals and process.

My example is indeed a ‘coaching situation’.

Last year in Vienna, I was privileged to sit in on part of a coaching workshop presented by Insoo Kim Berg (who sadly died last January). Insoo and her husband Steve de Shazer were pioneers of Solution Focused practice, which has its roots in the therapeutic approach they devised at BFTC Milwaukee. Insoo was presenting a ‘live’ coaching demonstration.

Her coachee worked in the family fashion business and had a problem with stock control for some specific items. She was at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. Insoo said to her, “When all these problems are solved (silent pause), what will the pieces look like?” The coachee proceeded to tell Insoo her solution.

When it came to question time, I asked the coachee what she was thinking of during the silent pause. She motioned that everything was tumbling about in her head (before she presented her own solution). I had timed the silent pause. Insoo had paused for twenty seconds! Twenty seconds that is, without loss of focus on her coachee.

You see whatever our circumstances, we so often interrupt the thinking of others by disturbing their thought patterns. We are in control of the process. Is it not better to let our prospects or colleagues come to their own conclusions? That way you don’t have to sell your products or ideas, merely support their decision to buy!